Perhaps there is something wrong

There is perhaps something wrong with me in a fundamental way. Or perhaps the problem is with other people. I have not ruled out either alternative. I cannot see how I can.

I do not strive for what other people strive for. I do not long for what they long for. I do not seek fame, fortune, or riches. They would make the passing of my existence easier, there is no doubting that, but they seem to matter very little to me. I should probably care, pay more attention to such things, but it seems simpler and easier to just exist and allow these things to simply pass me by.

As every day goes by these things begin to matter less and less, to the point where I feel I matter less and less. I do not mind this. It does not concern me in the least. It probably should, but my emotional agnosticism washes over me and I feel oblivious, immune, and disinterested.

There is probably something I should be doing to fit into the rest of what you call humanity, but I simply cannot be bothered.

You are not alone

I have no idea what I am. Am I a sociopath? A psychopath? Something more or something less?

These terms are misleading, and meaningless, to me at the moment. And, to be honest, always have been. I am not sure how you can really pigeonhole someone like me. But I am not sure how you can pigeonhole anyone. I guess it just helps us to identify who we love/hate/ignore/whatever. I am not sure I even understand those things.

I have no empathy. Maybe that is not true in an absolute way, but I do not believe in absolutes, anyway. Everything is a shade of grey.

Perhaps it is more accurate to say that I have no empathy towards others. I have tried. I have wept at friends' funerals, laughed at peoples jokes, but I simply do not care. I am not sure exactly why I should care.

Other people seem alien to me. I cannot even look into their eyes. They embarrass me. How can I even be connected to these things? I can match a gaze, shake a firm hand, but those things seem as socially relevant to me as playing cards or using a roundabout. They simply do not matter.

This is the beginning of who I am. I am not sure why I am doing this, other than to try to tell others like me that they are not alone...