Friday, October 18, 2013

You are not alone

I have no idea what I am. Am I a sociopath? A psychopath? Something more or something less?

These terms are misleading, and meaningless, to me at the moment. And, to be honest, always have been. I am not sure how you can really pigeonhole someone like me. But I am not sure how you can pigeonhole anyone. I guess it just helps us to identify who we love/hate/ignore/whatever. I am not sure I even understand those things.

I have no empathy. Maybe that is not true in an absolute way, but I do not believe in absolutes, anyway. Everything is a shade of grey.

Perhaps it is more accurate to say that I have no empathy towards others. I have tried. I have wept at friends' funerals, laughed at peoples jokes, but I simply do not care. I am not sure exactly why I should care.

Other people seem alien to me. I cannot even look into their eyes. They embarrass me. How can I even be connected to these things? I can match a gaze, shake a firm hand, but those things seem as socially relevant to me as playing cards or using a roundabout. They simply do not matter.

This is the beginning of who I am. I am not sure why I am doing this, other than to try to tell others like me that they are not alone...

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